I Need You

Yesterday was a very long and trying day. I wanted so much to talk to you and tell you what happened. I miss being able to tell you everything. I know that if I talk to you now and tell you what happened, I would feel so much better and know that I can beat this battle. Genora thinks that everyone is going to take care of her. I wish she would wake up and realize it.

I'm really trying to be supportive of her, but when she starts accusing me of being lazy and not trying to do anything, it really makes me mad. She is shoving me into a box and taping it up.

I want so much for you to hold me in your arms and tell me it's going to be ok. You called me yesterday and I wasn't trying to get a hold of you. I was crying and I don't know what you said. I couldn't even hear you talking.


I went to the cemetary and just sat there and cried for 2 hours. I started out just sitting in my car. then I started crying. Just a few tears and trying to talk myself out of crying. I would see a vision of us holding hands and laughing and I would cry even harder. I would think of my mom still being alive, and cry more. Everything I thought of made me cry. I couldn't stop the tears. I would calm down just enough to take a breath and not puke. I pretend that mom died from falling in the shower, not from getting high from cocaine. Then I think that she didn't love us enough to stay away from the drugs. My tears kept falling and I could not stop them no matter how hard I tried. I felt like it didn't matter.

My sister is making me feel like shit and I'm trying not to let her get to me. She is so nice, then all of a sudden I mess up her plan and she turns into the rest of the family. Selfish, rude, mean, disowning family. She tries to tell me she isn't like that, but she is a liar. If I actually do move in with her, we will be roommates not friends and not family. SHe wants to split everything in half and drop me like a hot pocket when I have no money, then fuck her! I busted my ass loading all her stuff, and spending all my money and bring her to Fairbanks. I have all her shit in my storage unit. I used the last of my money to get her boxes and she gives me NO MONEY. I'm so frustrated that I can't even process all the shit she is throwing at me. If she decides to take me off the lease, then I'm not going to give her any of the boxes that are in storage that belong to her.

Four months and I miss you right now. I'm listening to Avril, and all I can think of is you. I miss the good times of driving to Walmart in the middle of the night just to buy a new movie of kill time because we can't sleep. I miss driving around and 3 in the morning because I feel so sick and I can't sleep. I miss watching movies with you and eating at Brewster's. I wish you would just call me and tell me you miss me too.

Gosh I sound Bipolar or something.