I'm going to need an unlimited supply of music

I feel like I am back in high school walking around base trying to figure love and listening to music. I'm pensive. I can't process anything. How do I know if what I am doing is right. I feel like I am betrayed. I'm not good enough. How lame is that? I have to tell myself that so I feel better...but I shouldn't be saying that. It's wrong. I am good enough, just not in the instance of Josh. THanksgiving is in a few days and my famil doesn't even have the food. All they have are the olives for the potato salad. I feel like I expect too much of people. If I don't expect anything I shouldn't have a problem, right? Winter always brought me good memories. I can't stop living in the past of high school. Everything was good there. I had a family. I knew what was right and wrong. It was good. Now I am on my own. I have lost everything I cared about. my boyfriend, my family, my friends. I just don't know how to make any of them stick around. Which brings me back to saying I wasn't good enough. I can't keep people around me. What is it about me that does that? I'm too nice, then I'm too bitchy. I judge just as much as other people. How do I break out of this? I just want to know. My brain won't stop thinking. Watching movies and doing the dishes, taking care of Colleen. I want a baby. I know I say I don't want to, but I just have this need to be loved. Babies bring something special into this world. There was a small part of me that was hoping I was preggo this last month, but I'm glad I'm not. I can't even take care of myself right now. I'm not very safe with Josh, and that can get me into trouble one of these days. I could end of preggo, but I know he doesn't want that just yet. He confuses me so much. He says he wants a long term relationship, but then treats me like a one night stand and booty call. He says he doesn't want drama, yet he is creating it with me. I want so much for him to be the one I stay with. I just don't want to keep searching for a guy. It's depressing to continually get rejected for whatever reason. I want to go back to being loved. Trent loved me. I know he did. He tells me he was so depressed with me, but then tells me he loves me all the time. Love hurts. That's the only kind of love I know. The kind that creates pain. I fall in love so easy. I trust just like that. I'm sincere. I'm happy. I give people way too many chances. I'm underappreciated.