I'm listening to Celine Dion and I just remembered there is snow on the ground. I'm listening to her Christmas songs, and it's making me so sad. How am I going to do this year. My own sister is treating me like shit. I don't know how to process it all. I need you by my side. On my side.
iI wish you would understand for once. I just can't do this anymore. I lost everything this summer. My family. My dad, my sisters, my brothers. My friends. My boyfriend. My job. My home. What else do I have to lose before it all gets better? I don't know but I wish it would get here faster.
I feel like I am writing letters to no one. Am I? I don't think anyone reads my poor little blog. It might be better that way. I'm typing this as I fall asleep.
I'm so tired of getting sick everytime I eat. Genora won't listen to me when I tell her stuff. Then she goes and tells the rest of the family. THey get mad at me, and judge me. Shouldn't I be allowed to do what I want? I'm me, not you or you. I want to live my own life and not be pestered with the way I am living it. If I come to you with something, I want your advice. Not your judgement. You're not god.
Trent, I wish you were here. maybe I would feel better. I'm hurting really bad. My chest hurts, my tummy hurts, my head can't stop thinking about how much I miss you. I feel just like I did the other night when I was with you in your apartment.
I just want to know that everything is going to be ok. I wish you would tell me that it is. I know it's not going to matter since it's not getting any better, but it would be nice to hear it anyways. You were such a huge part of my life. I was so happy with you.
My Christmas Eve is not going to be spent with you this year, will it? I know it won't. I don't know what I am going to do. I can't spend the holidays alone. It's scary and I have never done that before. Look for me in the obituaries, I'm probably going to freeze to death. I can't keep trying to live in my car. I hate that with all the family I have, none of them are reaching out to me. They are just pushing me away. It's scary to be so alone.
All I got left is Wendy. She makes me smile when I am sad and depressed. Everytime something happens with my sister or Trent, she is there for me. She will drive all the way across town just to make sure I am ok. I'm glad I have her. I might be dead by now if not for her.
Trent, whenever you are ready, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I hope. I want to have little Trent babies and live in a beautiful house. I want to be a librarian and famous author. I want to fly everywhere with you.
I feel like I am sending an empty bottle out to sea and sitting at home waiting for an answer that is never going to come. The bottle with you answer is most likely on the other side of the world. Oceans away. The more I sit here and write the more I hurt. This hurt has to go away. I can't hurt like this all the time. It's going to kill me. I'm not ready to die.
No comments:
Post a Comment